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Featured Articles

Characteristics of a conscious marriage

by Harville Hendricks

1. You realize that your love relationship has a hidden purpose--the healing of childhood wounds
2. You create a more accurate image of your partner
3. You take responsibilty for communicating your needs
4. You become more intentional in your interactions
5. You learn to value your partner's needs and wishes as highly as your own
6. You embrace the dark side of your personality ( your shadow)
7. You learn new techniques to satisfy your basic needs and desires
8. You search within yourself for the strengths and abilities you are lacking
9. You become more aware of your drive to be loving and whole and united with the universe.
10.You accept the difficulty of creating a good marriage

Harville Hendricks says about 5% of marriages have these qualities. Now that I know these things I wonder if I would be able to settle for less.
What do you think about these characteristics? Does your marriage have them?

Are you the one for me?

You feel ready for a new relationship. You love yourself. You have dealt with the issues from your childhood and from past relationships. You are clear about the reasons why you want a relationship. You are willing and able to put in the work that creating a committed, loving relationship requires. (If you cannot answer yes to all of the above statements, I suggest you read my article, "Before You Seek Mr. or Ms. Right"). Once you truly feel that you are ready, how do you find a partner who is the right person for a committed, loving relationship? How do you know he or she is, indeed, the one for you?

If you are, indeed, ready for a relationship, you should ask yourself the following questions when you meet someone: "Are you (my potential partner) ready for a committed relationship?" ... "Are you the one for me?" ... Perhaps, more importantly, "Are you not the one for me?" Considering the divorce statistics, it seems that the ultimate decision of one or both partners in over 50% of marriages is: "You are not the one for me." Hopefully, by making a careful choice up front, you will not become a statistic later on.

In evaluating the questions -- "Are you the one for me?" or "Are you not the one for me?" -- it is important to be honest, not only with yourself, but also with your potential partner. You and your partner need to know what each of you want out of life. Discuss with each other your dreams, goals, lifestyles, hobbies, finances, religious and political beliefs, and desires about having or not having children. Many relationships end today because partners allowed the relationship to advance prior to discussing these very topics. Truth and honesty are of the utmost importance in relationships today. Lies, or even subtle deception, cannot provide a solid foundation for a committed loving relationship. How do we go about deciding whether someone is right or wrong for us? There is no set formula to make this decision easier. Over the years, I have seen countless quizzes and compatibility tests in books and magazines that try to help us with this question. There is nothing terribly wrong with using these types of tools. However, there are people who take this to the extreme: the very first time they go out with someone new, they are putting their date through some quiz or compatibility evaluation that they saw in some book or magazine. I think that, as individuals, we are all unique and different. We need to come up with our own formula for the type of person with whom we would like to share our lives in a committed, loving relationship. There is no way you can decide from a quiz whether someone is right for you after the first date, even if his or her score is high. You can, though, decide if someone is wrong for you: that comes from gut instinct and intuition.

Remember, a date is a bit like a job interview. Some people do extremely well on the first interview, whereas others do not do so well. If you are unsure, I feel it is worth the time to have that second or third date, because it could turn out that this person is, indeed, the one for you. There is no rule to say that the sparks must fly on a first encounter, as much as we would like this to be true. Sure, this does happen: I am sure we all have friends that met, and after one date, the love volcano erupted. They knew that they were right for each other, and now, 20 years later, their relationship continues to flourish. I am not a pessimist. On the contrary, I am a big time romantic. Let us face facts, though, and be honest: for most of us, this does not happen. It is trial and error of meeting people and dating many until we do find the right person for us.

The Appropriate Divorce Model
(provided by Accord Mediation Services)

Experience and research has helped us identify some of the basic elements of a successful and healthy divorce. The term "successful and healthy" as used here, means completing the divorce process of emotional separation, achieving a new center of balance as a single person and single parent, maintaining the best interest and welfare of your children, and establishing positive and healthy new attitudes toward yourself, your ex-spouse, and your prior marriage.

The complete absence of conflict is not at all a component of the ideal divorce. A degree of anger and conflict is natural, expected, useful and even constructive. It helps to dissolve the bonds of attachment and old patterns of the relationship; it allows you the opportunity to think and reflect; it enables you to make alterations in your life and change.

Apart from gaining peace of mind, growth and other human values, there are very practical advantages to struggling and working as diligently as you can to making your divorce better. The closer you can get to the specifics discussed below, the better it will be for you and your family.

You will alleviate and ease tensions and conflict.
You will possess a far greater opportunity regarding compliance with the terms of your agreement.
You will save thousands of dollars in legal expenses.
If children are involved, you will vastly improve co-parenting and cooperation.

Elements of a Successful Divorce.

Mutuality. The lack or absence of mutual and respectful sharing in the decision to divorce is a primary cause of conflict in the divorce and post- divorce periods. In an ideal divorce, the decision is arrived at together. This does not mean that one spouse may not be sadder or more distressed than the other, but that both come to accept divorce as the best alternative under the current circumstances. Both spouses should be mutually active and involved in negotiating terms and in the process of co-parenting. The most stable and centered settlements happen when both spouses take an active role in the negotiations, not simply leaving all the decisions to their attorney. A healthy and positive divorce is an actively mutual endeavor.

Attitude. Each spouse needs to conclude the divorce with a balanced view of the other partner and of the marriage experience. There needs to be a sense of emotional and spiritual closure. It is best to let go of and be free of any lingering feelings of blame, guilt or failure. Keep in mind this process may take months, yet the goal is to create increased self-understanding, the ability to form healthy new intimate relationships, and a sense of self- confidence.

Children. In a healthy and positive divorce, injury to the children is minimized, being accomplished primarily through maintaining good co-parenting relations. Children can literally be devastated and destroyed by fighting between their parents, so it is imperative that the parents be able to work together for the sake and well being of their son's and daughter's. When not resolved, anger and conflict can endure for years, long after the legal divorce has ended. Children must be free of the feeling that loving one parent is a betrayal of the other. They must be free of the thought that they are the cause of the divorce.

Attempting to create the ideal divorce is like any other ideal that you may attempt to achieve, like ideal health or achievement in some sport. The goals are something concrete that you work towards and work for, but you do not want to beat yourself up every time you fall a little short of that ideal or that goal. You do your best, you seek counsel, you ask questions and you heal. The closer you can get to the goal, the better and smoother your divorce will proceed, and the better life will be for you and your children and your family.

The best predictor of a healthy and positive divorce is the degree of client control over the negotiations, everything works much better if you are in control. This does not mean that you should not get help and advice from an attorney if you want it, rather is means that you are far better off if you and your spouse plan and follow through with all or most of the negotiating yourself. By doing this, you end up achieving a higher degree of compliance with the terms of the agreement, a much lower chance for future courtroom conflict, co-parenting is smoother, support payments are more likely to be made on time, and you both get on with your life more quickly.

Bertrand Russell

Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.
In the union of love I have seen
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].
I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,
But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.

This has been my life; I found it worth living.

adapted

Carl Jung

Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.

Reinhold Niebuhr

Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite a virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness.

Heraklietos of Ephesos

Whosoever wishes to know about the world must learn about it in its particular details.
Knowledge is not intelligence.
In searching for the truth be ready for the unexpected.
Change alone is unchanging.
The same road goes both up and down.
The beginning of a circle is also its end.
Not I, but the world says it: all is one.
And yet everything comes in season.

William Henry Channing

To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not, rich; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, await occasions, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common--this is my symphony

Thomas Jefferson

I never told my own religion nor scrutinized that of another. I never attempted to make a convert, nor wished to change another's creed. I am satisfied that yours must be an excellent religion to have produced a life of such exemplary virtue and correctness. For it is in our lives, and not from our words, that our religion must be judged.

Mohandas K. Gandhi

The Roots of Violence:
Wealth without work,
Pleasure without conscience,
Knowledge without character,
Commerce without morality,
Science without humanity,
Worship without sacrifice,
Politics without principles.

High Eagle

In life, many thoughts are born in the course of a moment, an hour, a day. Some are dreams, some visions. Often, we are unable to distinguish between them. To some, they are the same; however, not all dreams are visions. Much energy is lost in fanciful dreams that never bear fruit. But visions are messages from the Great Spirit, each for a different purpose in life. Consequently, one person's vision may not be that of another. To have a vision, one must be prepared to receive it, and when it comes, to accept it. Thus when these inner urges become reality, only then can visions be fulfilled. The spiritual side of life knows everyone's heart and who to trust. How could a vision ever be given to someone to harbor if that person could not be trusted to carry it out. The message is simple: commitment precedes vision.

Mandala Psychotherapy Associates

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